Before you understood that you were ace, how did you think about things?

The title of this blogpost consists of a question asked by Red Beard Ace in a post published on Friday, 11 December. This simple-looking and yet tricky question made me think about the time before I came across the word „asexual“ on the internet. As an eccentric and self-confident person, I am lucky to say that I’ve never felt completely broken or ill. But even if I have never blamed myself for not being interested in sexual activities – and not even for being  disgusted by it for a long time,  I  had  problems with embracing the simple fact that I am asexual. Why? Well, when your schoolmates start to brag about their sexual adventures and no book or film seems to get along without explicitly describing the sexual encounters of their protagonists, you can’t help but feel alienated. And if nobody feels the way you do, you sometimes question your mental and physical health. Because it is very confusing and gruelling, finding yourself in a society that expresses its sexual desires on a daily basis. And it gets even worse when you fall in love with somebody, fearing to approach this person because you think that, after one or two dates, he_she might rip your clothes off and expects you to make these crazy sounds and movements you know from films and TV-shows. Discovering the word „asexual“ almost 5 years ago really helped me to come to terms with the fact that I’m not a sexual being. Furthermore, the exchange with other asexuals and my Coming Outs to friends and family members lead to a growing self-confidence. Much truth lies in the mantra: „You must love yourself before you can love another person“. And you can only love yourself when you fully understand and accept this „self“.

Last but not least, the knowledge of your asexuality is important as a „negotiation basis“. When I fall in love with a non-asexual person, I can immediately lay it on the line. If I didn’t know the word „asexual“, I couldn’t speak about my needs, or rather my non existing needs. I would have to say every time that I don’t feel like having sex now, which would make a mixed (sexual-asexual) relationship impossible as the sexual partner would feel unwanted and unsatisfied. If the non-asexual person I am dating knows I am asexual and continues to date me, we can start to think about ways of satisfying each other’s needs in a satisfactory way for both of us. Communication is the key in any human relationship. And for a well functioning communication you need….. words!

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